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What is Self Esteem?

I think a lot of us are used to hearing the terms self esteem and self confidence. Are they the same, or are there differences? What do you think about this subject? Can a person have to much self esteem? This article (link on title) comes from a sociology journal. I thought it was pretty interesting.

THE TRUE MEANING OF SELF-ESTEEM
by Robert Reasoner

Educators, parents, business and government leaders agree that we need to develop individuals with healthy or high self-esteem characterized by tolerance and respect for others, individuals who accept responsibility for their actions, have integrity, take pride in their accomplishments, who are self-motivated, willing to take risks, capable of handling criticism, loving and lovable, seek the challenge and stimulation of worthwhile and demanding goals, and take command and control of their lives. In other words, we need to help foster the development of people who have healthy or authentic self-esteem because they trust their own being to be life affirming, constructive, responsible and trustworthy.

Unfortunately, efforts to convey the significance and critical nature of self-esteem have been hampered by misconceptions and confusion over what is meant by the term “self-esteem.” Some have referred to self-esteem as merely “feeling good” or having positive feelings about oneself. Others have gone so far as to equate self-esteem with egotism, arrogance, conceit, narcissism, a sense of superiority, a trait leading to violence. Such characteristics cannot be attributed to authentic, healthy self-esteem, because they are actually defensive reactions to the lack of authentic self-esteem, which is sometimes referred to as “pseudo self-esteem.”

Individuals with defensive or low self-esteem typically focus on trying to prove themselves or impress others. They tend to use others for their own gain. Some act with arrogance and contempt towards others. They generally lack confidence in themselves ,often have doubts about their worth and acceptability, and hence are reluctant to take risks or expose themselves to failure. They frequently blame others for their shortcomings rather than take responsibility for their actions.

A close relationship has been documented between low self-esteem and such problems as violence, alcoholism, drug abuse, eating disorders, school dropouts, teenage pregnancy, suicide, and low academic achievement. However, it has been difficult to isolate it as a primary cause using traditional experimental research methods, for it is usually only one of several contributing factors. What needs to be stressed is that self-esteem is a critical component of any program aimed at self-improvement or any rehabilitation program, for it is one of the few solutions that offers hope to correcting these problems. Many prisons, for example, have now introduced self-esteem programs to reduce recidivism.

One of the difficulties in trying to reach agreement on the nature of self-esteem is due to the fact that it has been approached from several different perspectives. Some have seen it as a psycho dynamic, developmental process; others have approached it from the perspective of the cognitive-behaviorist in terms of various coping strategies; others have viewed it from the position of a social psychologist in terms of attitudes, while others have focused on the experiential dimensions of self-esteem as a humanistic psychologist. Since self-esteem has both psychological and sociological dimensions, this has made it difficult to come up with a comprehensive definition, and rarely have both dimensions been taken into consideration together in conducting research studies.

There is, however, general agreement that the term self-esteem includes cognitive, affective, and behavioral elements. It is cognitive as one consciously thinks about oneself as one considers the discrepancy between ones ideal self, the person one wishes to be, and the perceived self or the realistic appraisal of how one sees oneself. The affective element refers to the feelings or emotions that one has when considering that discrepancy. The behavioral aspects of self-esteem are manifested in such behaviors as assertiveness, resilience, being decisive and respectful of others. Thus, self-esteem is difficult to define because of these multiple dimensions. In addition, although self-esteem is generally stable, it can fluctuate from time to time, a phenomenon which is referred to as global versus situational self-esteem, and which can make measuring or researching self-esteem very difficult.

It is important that the significance of self-esteem not be lost in the confusion over what it means. Nathaniel Branden, Ph.D., a well known psychotherapist, defined self-esteem several years ago as “The disposition to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness.” The National Association for Self-Esteem modified this to define self-esteem as "The experience of being capable of meeting life's challenges and being worthy of happiness." Christopher Mruk, Ph.D., a psychology professor at Bowling Green University, reports in his book Self-Esteem: Research, Theory, and Practice that of all the theories and definitions proposed, this description of self-esteem has best withstood the test of time in terms of accuracy and comprehensiveness.

This concept of self-esteem is founded on the premise that it is strongly connected to a sense of competence and worthiness and the relationship between the two as one lives life. The worthiness component of self-esteem is often misunderstood as simply feeling good about oneself, when it actually is tied to whether or not a person lives up to certain fundamental human values, such as finding meanings that foster human growth and making commitments to them in a way that leads to a sense of integrity and satisfaction. A sense of competence is having the conviction that one is generally capable of producing desired results, having confidence in the efficacy of our mind and our ability to think, as well as to make appropriate choices and decisions. Worthiness might be considered the psychological aspect of self-esteem, while competence might be considered the behavioral or sociological aspect of self-esteem. Self-esteem stems from the experience of living consciously and might be viewed as a person’s overall judgment of himself or herself pertaining to self-competence and self-worth based on reality.

The value of this definition is that it is useful in making the distinction between authentic or healthy self-esteem and pseudo or unhealthy self-esteem. A sense of personal worth without competence is just as limiting as competence without worthiness. A strong sense of worthiness prevents competence from becoming arrogance by keeping the individual focused on basic values, and competence prevents worthiness from becoming narcissism by requiring good feelings to be earned, not given. Thus, behaviors that might be described as egotistic, egocentric, conceited, boasting or bragging, bullying, taking advantage of, or harming others are defensive behaviors indicative of a lack of self-esteem. Such behaviors, therefore, should not be confused with authentic, healthy self-esteem.

Unfortunately, some of the confusion over the term self-esteem has stemmed from programs and strategies used that were not grounded in sound research. Such strategies include heaping children with undeserved praise not based on accomplishment. Most feel that it is critical that any efforts to build self-esteem be grounded in reality. It cannot be attained by merely reciting boosters or affirmations, and one cannot give others authentic self-esteem. To do so is likely to result in an inflated sense of worth. Most feel that a sense of competence is strengthened through realistic and accurate self-appraisal, meaningful accomplishments, overcoming adversities, bouncing back from failures, and adopting such practices such as assuming self-responsibility and maintaining integrity which engender ones sense of competence and self-worth.

Is it possible to have too much self-esteem? We don’t believe that it is possible to have too much true self-esteem, for having high self-esteem is equivalent to having good health. However, it is certainly possible for individuals to have an over-inflated sense of either worth or competence. Our objective is to develop individuals with high self-esteem that is well grounded in reality and balanced between an equal sense of worth and competence-- individuals who exhibit those qualities agreed upon by educators, parents, business and government leaders as essential to effective functioning in these changing times.

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Anonymous said...
How personal can I get on your blog?


The Advice Girl:@Anonymous said...
Ask anything if it is sincere and worded not to offend. We will play it by ear here.

Domestic Drama: On-Again, Off-Again

Domestic Drama: On-Again, Off-Again
What drives couples to repeatedly break up and then make up?

By: Elizabeth Svoboda
For Laura, a 35-year-old corporate recruiter from New York City, dating had always felt like a Ferris wheel ride. When a relationship started to feel wrong, she'd leave to get a new vantage point on things, but as the pain of singleness set in, she retreated to her former partner for comfort, ending up back where she started. She'd repeat the cycle several times before breaking things off permanently. "It became this crazy pattern," she says. "They weren't good guys at all, but whenever something in my life was difficult, I would go back."

Laura's longtime boomeranging habit puts her in good company. The dynamic is quite common. University of Texas communications professor Rene Dailey found that 60 percent of adults have had a romantic relationship and then gotten back together, and that three-quarters of those respondents had been through the breakup, makeup cycle at least twice. But embarking on this bumpy relational road takes an emotional toll: On-off couples have more relational stress than non-cyclical couples, she found.

Given the obvious costs, why do couples keep dancing the on-and-off tango? Many who seesaw from freeze-outs to fervent proclamations of love know deep down that the relationship probably isn't right, says psychologist Steven Stosny. But when couples are faced with the loneliness and low self-esteem that accompany a breakup, they continually fall back on the temporary relief of reconciliation.

It's often the fleeting high points of a fundamentally rocky relationship that convince embattled partners to keep coming back for more, spurring a tortuous dynamic with no end in sight. "Often there is something that works very well for you about this person," says Gail Saltz, a Manhattan-based psychiatrist and author of Becoming Real. But when your mate's dreamy qualities are accompanied by deal-breaker ones like dishonesty or irresponsibility, it can be difficult to make a clear-headed assessment of whether to stay or leave.

While problem behaviors may prompt a periodic hiatus, on-again, off-again couples continue to reunite out of a persistent hope that the moments of happiness and fulfillment they've known will someday constitute the entire relationship. "People say, 'I can fix this other part of my partner,' " Saltz says, even though efforts at "remodeling" a mate are typically useless. The self-deprecating internal monologues serial on-off artists conduct after a breakup—"What was I thinking? I'll never meet someone as funny, smart, and attractive ever again!"—can also lead to repeated reconciliations.

While periodic estrangement is painful, some couples see a silver lining. By experiencing life without their significant others for a while, they come away with a deeper understanding of the value of their bond, even if the romance doesn't always have storybook qualities.

But this kind of "pruning" is no panacea. Virginia psychotherapist Toni Coleman warns couples to steer clear of the false epiphanies making up and breaking up can encourage. After an emotion-filled reunion, it's tempting to assume your partner has permanently changed for the better. But underlying conflicts that simmered before the breakup will resurface—just ask consummate on-off artists Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, who married and divorced twice before breaking up for good. "Things will change only if both people commit to working on the big issues," says Coleman.

Saltz recommends veterans of the breakup, makeup carousel take time to think about why they've been there so long in the first place. "The key is in recognizing that there is a pattern," she says. "You need to elucidate what the draw of this relationship really is for you." Some on-off cyclists, she explains, repeatedly return to partnerships with flaws that mirror those in their own parents' marriage, which they've unconsciously internalized as fundamental to any relationship. If your mother took her cheating partner back over and over again, you may be inclined to do the same. "Just the awareness of that can help you step out: 'Oh, my gosh, this is really me being my mother, and I don't want to recapitulate her love story,' " says Saltz.

Another way to decide whether to fish or cut bait for good, Coleman says, is to take as long a view as possible. By forcing partners to consider the implications of "forever," so-called fast-forwarding scenarios may make them less likely to acquiesce to the temporary high of being "on" again with a problematic mate.

Since casting aside her most recent drama-ridden relationship, Laura has decided to steer clear of the dating world for a while. She sees her new freedom as a chance to step back and contemplate how to avoid the trap in the future. "The whole love industry makes you feel like you have to be in a relationship all the time, but right now I'm just taking some time to figure things out," she says. "I truly am happy on my own." —Elizabeth Svoboda



Breaking the BreakUp Cycle
On-again, off-again couples often find themselves caught between their desire for freedom and their fear of regret. Here's how to decide whether to sign on for the long haul or get out for good.

Adopt a worst-case-scenario mindset. Many perpetual boomerangers keep returning because they assume they can change their partner's worst habits. But that's wishful thinking, psychotherapist Toni Coleman says. "You have to assume that the behaviors you see will get more entrenched and worse over time. Ask yourself, 'If that turns out to be the case, would I still want to be in this relationship?'"
Seek advice from a trusted third party. Therapists fill the bill nicely, but family and friends can be just as helpful. Because they don't have as much invested in your partner as you do, they can provide unbiased opinions as to whether smooth sailing is in your relationship's future.
Take a time-out. In an on-again, off-again pairing, hiatuses are par for the course. But resolve to make this one different. Use the emotional distance to think clearly about what you want from a long-term relationship. Make a list if it helps you organize your thoughts. If your partner doesn't measure up, make the hiatus permanent.

Psychology Today Magazine, Mar/Apr 2008
Last Reviewed 14 May 2008
Article ID: 4561

Psychology Today © Copyright 1991-2008 Sussex Publishers, LLC
115 East 23rd Street, 9th Floor, New York, NY 10010

25 Fascinating Love Facts

25 fascinating love facts
By Laura Schaefer


Love is a many splendored thing…and very surprising thing, too. As if you needed proof of that, here are 25 funny little facts about love. Study them, scratch your head over them, and share them with someone you fancy.

1. Men who kiss their wives in the morning live five years longer than those who don't.
2. The oldest known love song was written 4,000 years ago and comes from an area between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers.
3. When it comes to doing the deed early in the relationship, 78 percent of women would decline an intimate rendezvous if they had not shaved their legs or underarms.
4. Feminist women are more likely than others females to be in a romantic relationship.
5. Two-thirds of people report that they fall in love with someone they’ve known for some time vs. just met.
6.People telling their story of how they fell in love overwhelmingly believe the process is out of their control.
7. *Falling in love can induce a calming effect on the body and mind and raises levels of nerve growth factor for about a year, which helps to restore the nervous system and improves the lover’s memory.
8. Love can also exert the same stress on your body as deep fear. You see the same physiological responses—pupil dilation, sweaty palms, and increased heart rate.
9. Brain scans show that people who view photos of their beloved experience an activation of the caudate—the part of the brain involving cravings.
10. The women of the Tiwi tribe in the South Pacific are married at birth.
11. The “Love Detector” service from Korean cell phone operator KTF uses technology that is supposed to analyze voice patterns to see if a lover is speaking honestly and with affection. Users later receive an analysis of the conversation delivered through text message that breaks down the amount of affection, surprise, concentration and honesty of the other speaker.
12. Eleven percent of women have gone online and done research on a person they were dating or were about to meet, versus seven percent of men.
13. Couples’ personalities converge over time to make partners more and more similar.
14. People are more likely to tilt their heads to the right when kissing instead of the left (65 percent of people go to the right!).
15. The tradition of the diamond engagement ring comes from Archduke Maximillian of Austria who, in the 15th century, gave a diamond ring to his fiancée, Mary of Burgundy.
16. Forty-three percent of women prefer their partners never sign “love” to a card unless they are ready for commitment.
17. People who are newly in love produce decreased levels of the hormone serotonin —as low as levels seen in people with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Perhaps that’s why it’s so easy to feel obsessed when you’re smitten.
18. Philadelphia International Airport finished as the No. 1 best airport for making a love connection, according to a recent survey.
19. According to mathematical theory, we should date a dozen people before choosing a long-term partner; that provides the best chance that you’ll make a love match.
20. A man’s beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.
Verona, the Italian city where Shakespeare’s play Romeo and Juliet took place, receives around 1,000 letters addressed to Juliet every Valentine’s Day.
21. When we get dumped, for a period of time we love the person who rejected us even more, says Dr. Helen Fisher of Rutgers University and author of Why We Love. The brain regions that lit up when we were in a happy union continue to be active.
22. There’s a reason why office romances occur: The single biggest predictor of love is proximity. Familiarity breeds comfort and closeness… and romance.
23. One in five long-term love relationships began with one or both partners being involved with others.
24. OK, this one may not surprise you, but we had to share it: Having a romantic relationship makes both genders happier.
25. The stronger the commitment, the greater the happiness!


Laura Schaefer is the author of Man with Farm Seeks Woman with Tractor.

Co-ed college roommates: What can we learn?

One boy, one girl -- one dorm room.

There is a new phenomena at Universities that has caused much discussion. It is not as though the schools are promoting it or assigning random male female roommates. It is actually a very small number who participate, and yes some are in relationships,which is tagged as "roomcest" on campus the CNN piece points out. I feel like there are certainly interesting lessons that can be learned from such an arrangement early on in adulthood. One young man who has a female roommate shared:

"I had just roomed with a boy. I was under the impression at the time that
girls were a little bit neater and more quiet," Youngdahl said. "As it turns
out, I don't see much of a difference from one sex to the other."

Garcia, 19, admitted: "I'm incredibly messy."

I had to laugh at that exchange because there are many things that young people can learn about gender differences early on that may have a long term effect on their relationships. Both genders would probably demystify a great deal about one another, which in turn could lead to the demise of "Woman are from Mars..." or "Rules" books which could only lead to positive change.

One group is probably far from happy about the new alternatives in college roommates. Parents are of many opinions and I think it will take a long time for it to catch on but some parents are already raising issues as expected.

From the article: "Parents aren't necessarily thrilled with boy-girl housing.
Debbie Feldman's 20-year-old daughter, Samantha, is a sophomore at Oberlin in Ohio and plans to room with her platonic friend Grey Caspro, a straight guy, next year. Feldman said she was shocked when her daughter told her.
"When you have a male and female sharing such close quarters, I think it's somewhat delusional to think there won't be sexual tension," 52-year-old Feldman said. "Maybe this generation feels more comfortable walking around in their underwear. I'm not sure that's a good thing."
Still, Feldman said her daughter is partly in college to learn life lessons, and it's her decision. Samantha said she assured her mom that she thinks of Caspro as a brother.
"I'm really close to him, and I consider him one of my really good friends," she said. "I really trust him. That trust makes it work."

I believe that it depends greatly on the maturity level of the students, and young couples. From an academic view one might look at it as a learning experience in itself. Learning to negotiate with the opposite sex over issues regarding bills, food and lifestyle to name a few, could lead to better overall relationships with co-worker's, friends and intimate partners. I had male roommates on several occasions (completely platonic) and I was a sophomore in college the first time. It was only for a semester and it was unremarkable. He happened to be a bit of a slob but it taught me tolerance for the petty toilet seat issues.

What do you think of this issue? Anyone have anything to share?

Serious relationship questions

1) If my girlfriend has trust issues with me, how do I go about re-assuring her? What's a step in the right direction?

2) How do you know when it's over? A relationship that is? What should I look for?

Nick asked both of these questions and the first thing that struck me was that they are probably not 2 separate concerns, but really one causing the other.

1. If your are asking "if my girlfriend has trust issues?" I hear, my girlfriend has trust issues, and there is probably no doubt about that.

• Before I can answer this question I need to know if the trust issues are due to something that actually happened i.e. you have given her reason not to trust you, cheated or strayed?
• The alternative is that she is a jealous girl by nature and they aren't trust issues but rather insecurities. In this case her issues are not quite rational but pervasive no matter how you try to show her there is no one else.

2. I think it is over when you are no longer into the person. Everyone has a different way of showing it. Some universal signs are:

• A noticeable change in time spent together
• A change in intimacy level or intensity.
• A gut feeling.
• Your relationship has been on and off.
• She has new "friends" she is spending time with.
• You know when it's over when you are not feeling the warm and fuzzies.

These are general questions that we have all faced, please add a comment to help Nick with his relationship queries. The advice girl welcomes all comments and encourages support from readers.

Getting over your ex: tips from Askmen.com

11 Tips For Getting Over Your Ex
By Alex White
Relationship Correspondent - Every other Monday

Some really helpful and realistic advice on helping you move on and the does and don'ts that while difficult, can really make the transition smoother. There are no rules that will work for eveyone but these tips are basic enough to merit a read if you have newly become an ex. Advice girl has been there.

Another shining example for teens.

This is the latest to come from current teen queen young Ms. Cyrus. Mind you, her father, old Billy Ray and mother were both present at the photo shoot. But now, that Disney (the very powerful network that pays the Cyrus's) has concerns that the photos are too provocotive, Miley Cyrus or Hannah Montana, or whatever her name is, is apologizing. What could mom and dad have possibly been thinking? Oh, wait let me guess, perhaps they were thinking about a lucrative paycheck from Vanity Fair. Hmm... I wonder if that may have been it. This girl is pimped by her own parents, while they adamantly claim that she will never turn out like Britney, or Lindsey. This girl walks the red carpet in designer gowns, looks at least twenty one, but young girls are supposed to see her as a role model. Mom and Dad should take a long hard look at their motivations before little Miley is too far gone. Remember this is the same girl who has had controversial photos posted on the net already (twice). I feel sorry for her.

Heres the story:

Pop star and 15-year-old Disney sensation MILEY CYRUS tells ET she's "embarrassed" about an upcoming photograph of her appearing semi-topless in the new Vanity Fair issue.
"I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be 'artistic' and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed," she tells ET. "I never intended for any of this to happen and I apologize to my fans who I care so deeply about."

The photo, on stands next week, accompanies an interview with Miley and her dad, BILLY RAY, and were shot by famed photographer ANNIE LEIBOVITZ. As seen on our show promo last week, they show Miley sitting in profile with just a blanket wrapped around her chest.
Vanity Fair editors respond: "Miley's parents and/or minders were on the set all day. Since the photo was taken digitally, they saw it on the shoot and everyone thought it was a beautiful and natural portrait of Miley.

In fact, when BRUCE HANDY interviewed Miley, he asked her about the photo and she was very cheerful about it and thought it was perfectly fine."
However, a Disney Channel spokesperson says: "Unfortunately, as the article suggests, a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines."

Our Teens are Running Wild

The problem is not new, nor should it be fodder for gossip. Today’s teens are simply running wild. They are greater risk takers, more sexually active and overly informed than any teenage population that came before. From MTV pimping over the top Sweet Sixteen celebrations, as voyeuristic glances into the tiny percentage of the population that can afford to have Usher at their parties. To “reality dating” shows modeling behaviors that are breeding at risk teens and young adults, by promoting excessive drinking and providing hot tubs as an option for each date. The media and the freely accessible Internet access colludes with the corruption of our teenage children. Yet, it is as if we forget that the main responsibility for what our teens do falls squarely on parents for no other influence is as great and as influential as that of family.

Web 2.0 and “social networking” are a much more effective means of communication utilized feverishly by adolescents. Advancements such as video chats, give adolescent the more private forum to “explore” with various behaviors and cultures, alternate lifestyles and some really out there “freakish” things we as adults can’t even grasp. There are now translators for the slang used by kids to “text message” one another. Yes the illiterate language devised to further stunt any thinking that might be needed to right in full sentences.

Do we want our kids paralyzed by gadgets? Do we want our kids informed by those that have the freedom to express absolutely any view they wish and with pictures and video to make it more entertaining, such as the site The Church of Euthanasia. As a teacher and writer I use the Internet to a almost embarrassing degree for both information gathering and inspiration for my writing efforts. I Googled euthanasia for a student who was assigned the topic as a final paper in her English class. This essay was to be a persuasive argument for or against the controversial practice. About five to seven links down the results of the search was the link to the church that I mentioned. Clicking on the site I gasped and shook with anxiety as I finally understood what we (parents, teachers, kids) were up against. The site promotes among other things, death in all forms, sodomy an suicide. So there I was doing what my students were by researching the topic, and there it was, like any other site. Organized (not well) just enough to have their information viewed and their “Four Pillars” defined. I will not share the ideas espoused by this website, but you should take a look sometime and see what your kids read for their school projects.

Then there is the inevitable Hollywood influence. Our kids love music and movies just like we did. Yet they are getting to hear about and watch the pop idols they worship live the most reckless and dangerous of lives. Pregnant Disney TV show stars, the network is probably scrambling to find a way to separate themselves from the shamed star of their show "Zoey 101" as we learn that young Jamie Lynn Spears may have been having an “affair” with an older executive. Wholesome teenage fun for the whole family, right? The media is stoning Lynne Spears, and yes her daughters are particularly frightening, but is she to blame?


The Megan Meier’s story is particularly disturbing and has all the elements that are facilitating an adolescent epidemic of risk taking and poor judgment. To quickly sum up the Megan Meier’s story is difficult for there are many layers. It involves female friendships, parenting skills, MySpace, boys and very irresponsible adults. Megan apparently had a falling out with her close friend and neighbor and this neighbors Mom Lori Drew was concerned that Megan was going to say indecent things about her daughter. She quickly created a MySpace profile of a young handsome boy she named Josh Evans from a neighboring town, and started communicating with Megan in a flirtatious way. Megan had been dealing with self esteem issues along with every other adolescent, and found the attention of the young man exciting. He was cute and sweet and could really understand her. He told her she was pretty and wanted to be her boyfriend. She had no reason to think anything else was happening. Three weeks into the Internet relationship, he turned on Megan and said she was not the kind of person he wanted to associate with due to things he heard from kids at her school. She responded with shock, tears and hanging herself with a belt as her parents got ready for dinner downstairs. It was quickly disclosed that the boy with whom Megan had bonded was really a collaborative effort of a family, initiated by the matriarch Mrs. Drew, and maintained by all. They explained that they started the profile on MySpace to protect their daughter from slanderous talk (never did Megan say a bad thing about her neighbor or anyone else). Since the rest of the neighborhood found out about the families twisted game, the Drew's has complained of harassment on several occasions. To date there will be no charges found against the MySpace family hoax or any of the participants. A tragedy like this is unthinkable yet it is subtle, societal and scary.

If the teenagers seem frightening as they shoot up shopping malls during the holidays, is it possible to assume that the parents must have something to do with it? As the story of Megan illustrates the power of the Internet on our young ones, it also shows parents as they set the example for their children. Taunting a young person for fun, causing pain and perpetuating deceit are lessons these parents clearly imparted to their own children. What do we do as members of society to protect our kids from such insidiousness?

There are several basic parenting principles that can have a positive impact on children. Use them, and perhaps we can gain back control just enough to produce citizens who we could be proud of. These basics are not “new age” and they are certainly not difficult to grasp, but do we care to save our kids? Perhaps we should try.

Boundaries are a necessity for kids. They want and need them and parents have to provide them. Without understanding their own boundaries and those of others, kids have no way to gauge their attitudes and behaviors. It is not as simple as saying something is good or bad, right or wrong, but why and in what scenario? Guiding adolescents by defining boundaries allows them to process social behavior and respond to it. Lynne Spears allowed her young daughter, underage and naive to not only have an older boyfriend but to basically co-habitate with him. Some may say, “at least I know they are safe, they are home after all.” Yet the child was fourteen if the story is at all accurate, when she began dating this young man. If at fourteen this type of behavior is accepted then it stands to reason that two years into a relationship a pregnancy would’t be such a shock after all. There also appears no discussion about whether these young people had protection or used it, or what type and who provided it? Why is that not an important enough facet of the story to focus on? It could only help send the message that there are no guarantees and always that chance that even with protection, there are risks. Boundaries again play a part in this particular case because not only did Lynne not provide any, but there was also an older sister, incredibly troubled and ridiculously famous, shirking all decency in front of the entire world. Losing her children, behaving in a way that could only be seen as psychologically volatile, and big sister Britney Spears never knew a boundary she didn’t obscenely cross.

Teenagers need to learn through actions about consequences. They must know that an action may have a positive or negative reaction and this fact should come as no surprise by the time a kid is in their teens. There is plenty of argument about punishment, and I am not sure where I stand on this globally. Yet parents must define consequences for their children with consistency.

This brings me to the adolescent’s desperate need for consistency from their parents. They need to understand clearly what their actions will lead to every time. It seems as though parents are afraid to provide consistent consequences because they “feel bad” or it seems they fear their kid’s reactions. If parents allow kids to turn the tables and assume the position of authority, how can they be blamed for their inevitable transgressions? There are parents and there are children. Parents can not be mistaken for “friends”; they must never stop parenting in a consistent and committed fashion.

This brings us to commitment to our children and to parenting. This commitment I describe is a life long, full time job parent’s take on when they bring a child into this world. They must commit to setting boundaries, parenting with consistency and establishing consequences. They must enforce this on a daily basis without fail. Does this sound like a Herculean task? Perhaps it is at times and I by no means wish to imply that parenting in this era is easy or terrain that is well traveled. Yet the alternative, as we have so clearly been shown again and again in the tabloids, and stories of tragic lost kids doing unthinkable things almost daily by the media, can’t possibly be ignored. There has to be a better way to guide our youth, than by the examples I have shared. Without a doubt the answer is parents, parenting, and society’s willingness to see some changes in the way adolescents are perceived and accept them so as to help them.

There is hope for both the parents and our youth. I ask you then; will you make the commitment before that hope is extinguished? I think our kids are worth it. It is up to all of us to convince them of their worth, through guidance, patience and setting a reasonable example.

Sources sited:

1. http://www.ok-magazine.com/ Jamie Lynn Spears Says She's Pregnant

Dec 18, 2007

1. www.nytimes.com/2007/12/16/fashion/16meangirls.html When the Bullies Turned Faceless by Christopher Maag. December 16, 2007

http://www.churchofeuthanasia.org/

Copyright ©2007 The Advice Girl

Affair of the Lips: Scientific America article.

Scientific American Mind - January 31, 2008

Affairs of the Lips
Researchers are revealing hidden complexities behind the simple act of kissing, which relays powerful messages to your brain, body and partner
By Chip Walter

When passion takes a grip, a kiss locks two humans together in an exchange of scents, tastes, textures, secrets and emotions. We kiss furtively, lasciviously, gently, shyly, hungrily and exuberantly. We kiss in broad daylight and in the dead of night. We give ceremonial kisses, affectionate kisses, Hollywood air kisses, kisses of death and, at least in fairytales, pecks that revive princesses.

Lips may have evolved first for food and later applied themselves to speech, but in kissing they satisfy different kinds of hungers. In the body, a kiss triggers a cascade of neural messages and chemicals that transmit tactile sensations, sexual excitement, feelings of closeness, motivation and even euphoria.

Not all the messages are internal. After all, kissing is a communal affair. The fusion of two bodies dispatches communiqués to your partner as powerful as the data you stream to yourself. Kisses can convey important information about the status and future of a relationship. So much, in fact, that, according to recent research, if a first kiss goes bad, it can stop an otherwise promising relationship dead in its tracks.

Some scientists believe that the fusing of lips evolved because it facilitates mate selection. “Kissing,” said evolutionary psychologist Gordon G. Gallup of the University at Albany, State University of New York, last September in an interview with the BBC, “involves a very complicated exchange of information—olfactory information, tactile information and postural types of adjustments that may tap into underlying evolved and unconscious mechanisms that enable people to make determinations … about the degree to which they are genetically incompatible.” Kissing may even reveal the extent to which a partner is willing to commit to raising children, a central issue in long-term relationships and crucial to the survival of our species.

Satisfying Hunger
Whatever else is going on when we kiss, our evolutionary history is embedded within this tender, tempestuous act. In the 1960s British zoologist and author Desmond Morris first proposed that kissing might have evolved from the practice in which primate mothers chewed food for their young and then fed them mouth-to-mouth, lips puckered. Chimpanzees feed in this manner, so our hominid ancestors probably did, too. Pressing outturned lips against lips may have then later developed as a way to comfort hungry children when food was scarce and, in time, to express love and affection in general. The human species might eventually have taken these proto-parental kisses down other roads until we came up with the more passionate varieties we have today.

Silent chemical messengers called pheromones could have sped the evolution of the intimate kiss. Many animals and plants use pheromones to communicate with other members of the same species. Insects, in particular, are known to emit pheromones to signal alarm, for example, the presence of a food trail, or sexual attraction.

Whether humans sense pheromones is controversial. Unlike rats and pigs, people are not known to have a specialized pheromone de­tector, or vomeronasal organ, between their nose and mouth [see “Sex and the Secret Nerve,” by R. Douglas Fields; Scientific American Mind, February/March 2007]. Nevertheless, biologist Sarah Woodley of Duquesne University suggests that we might be able to sense pheromones with our nose. And chemical communication could explain such curious findings as a tendency of the menstrual cycles of female dormitory mates to synchronize or the attraction of women to the scents of T-shirts worn by men whose immune systems are genetically compatible with theirs. Human pheromones could include an­drostenol, a chemical component of male sweat that may boost sexual arousal in women, and female vaginal hormones called copulins that some researchers have found raise testosterone levels and increase sexual appetite in men.

If pheromones do play a role in human courtship and procreation, then kissing would be an extremely effective way to pass them from one person to another. The behavior may have evolved because it helps humans find a suitable mate—making love, or at least attraction, quite literally blind.

We might also have inherited the intimate kiss from our primate ancestors. Bonobos, which are genetically very similar to us (although we are not their direct descendants), are a particularly passionate bunch, for example. Emory University primatologist Frans B. M. de Waal recalls a zookeeper who accepted what he thought would be a friendly kiss from one of the bonobos, until he felt the ape’s tongue in his mouth!

Good Chemistry
Since kissing evolved, the act seems to have become addictive. Human lips enjoy the slimmest layer of skin on the human body, and the lips are among the most densely populated with sensory neurons of any body region. When we kiss, these neurons, along with those in the tongue and mouth, rocket messages to the brain and body, setting off delightful sensations, intense emotions and physical reactions.

Of the 12 or 13 cranial nerves that affect cerebral function, five are at work when we kiss, shuttling messages from our lips, tongue, cheeks and nose to a brain that snatches information about the temperature, taste, smell and movements of the entire affair. Some of that information arrives in the somatosensory cortex, a swath of tissue on the surface of the brain that represents tactile information in a map of the body. In that map, the lips loom large because the size of each represented body region is proportional to the density of its nerve endings.

Kissing unleashes a cocktail of chemicals that govern human stress, motivation, social bonding and sexual stimulation. In a new study, psychologist Wendy L. Hill and her student Carey A. Wilson of Lafayette College compared the levels of two key hormones in 15 college male-female couples before and after they kissed and before and after they talked to each other while holding hands. One hormone, oxytocin, is involved in social bonding, and the other, cortisol, plays a role in stress. Hill and Wilson predicted that kissing would boost levels of oxytocin, which also influences social recognition, male and female orgasm, and childbirth. They expected this effect to be particularly pronounced in the study’s females, who reported higher levels of intimacy in their relationships. They also forecast a dip in cortisol, because kissing is presumably a stress reliever.

But the researchers were surprised to find that oxytocin levels rose only in the males, whereas it decreased in the females, after either kissing or talking while holding hands. They concluded that females must require more than a kiss to feel emotionally connected or sexually excited during physical contact. Females might, for example, need a more romantic atmosphere than the experimental setting provided, the authors speculate. The study, which Hill and Wilson reported in November 2007 at the annual meeting of the Society for Neuroscience, revealed that cortisol levels dropped for both sexes no matter the form of intimacy, a hint that kissing does in fact reduce stress.

To the extent that kissing is linked to love, the act may similarly boost brain chemicals associated with pleasure, euphoria and a motivation to connect with a certain someone. In 2005 anthropologist Helen Fisher of Rutgers University and her colleagues reported scanning the brains of 17 individuals as they gazed at pictures of people with whom they were deeply in love. The researchers found an unusual flurry of activity in two brain regions that govern pleasure, motivation and reward: the right ventral tegmental area [see illustration on next page] and the right caudate nucleus. Addictive drugs such as cocaine similarly stimulate these reward centers, through the release of the neurotransmitter dopamine. Love, it seems, is a kind of drug for us humans.

Kissing has other primal effects on us as well. Visceral marching orders boost pulse and blood pressure. The pupils dilate, breathing deepens and rational thought retreats, as desire suppresses both prudence and self-consciousness. For their part, the participants are probably too enthralled to care. As poet e. e. cummings once observed: “Kisses are a better fate / than wisdom.”

Litmus Test
Although a kiss may not be wise, it can be pivotal to a relationship. “One dance,” Alex “Hitch” Hitchens says to his client and friend in the 2005 movie Hitch, “one look, one kiss, that’s all we get ... one shot, to make the difference between ‘happily ever after’ and, ‘Oh? He’s just some guy I went to some thing with once.’ ”

Can a kiss be that powerful? Some research indicates it can be. In a recent survey Gallup and his colleagues found that 59 percent of 58 men and 66 percent of 122 women admitted there had been times when they were attracted to some­one only to find that their interest evaporated after their first kiss. The “bad” kisses had no particular flaws; they simply did not feel right—and they ended the romantic relationship then and there—a kiss of death for that coupling.

The reason a kiss carries such weight, Gallup theorizes, is that it conveys subconscious information about the genetic compatibility of a prospective mate. His hypothesis is consistent with the idea that kissing evolved as a courtship strategy because it helps us rate potential partners.

From a Darwinian perspective, sexual selection is the key to passing on your genes. For us humans, mate choice often involves falling in love. Fisher wrote in her 2005 paper that this “attraction mech­anism” in humans “evolved to enable in­di­vi­duals to focus their mating energy on speci­fic others, thereby conserving energy and facilitating mate choice—a primary aspect of reproduction.”

According to Gallup’s new findings, kissing may play a crucial role in the progression of a partnership but one that differs between men and women. In a study published in September 2007 Gallup and his colleagues surveyed 1,041 college undergraduates of both sexes about kissing. For most of the men, a deep kiss was largely a way of advancing to the next level sexually. But women were generally looking to take the relationship to the next stage emotionally, assessing not simply whether the other person would make a first- rate source of DNA but also whether he would be a good long-term partner.

“Females use [kissing] … to provide information about the level of commitment if they happen to be in a continuing relationship,” Gallup told the BBC in September. The locking of lips is thus a kind of emotional barometer: the more enthusiastic it is, the healthier the relationship.

Because women need to invest more energy in producing children and have a shorter biological window in which to reproduce, they need to be pickier about whom they choose for a partner—and they cannot afford to get it wrong. So, at least for women, a passionate kiss may help them choose a mate who is not only good at fathering children but also committed enough to stick around and raise them.

That said, kissing is probably not strictly necessary from an evolutionary point of view. Most other animals do not neck and still manage to produce plenty of offspring. Not even all humans kiss. At the turn of the 20th century Danish scientist Kristoffer Nyrop described Finnish tribes whose members bathed together but considered kissing indecent. In 1897 French anthropologist Paul d’Enjoy reported that the Chinese regard mouth-to-mouth kissing to be as horrifying as many people deem cannibalism to be. In Mongolia some fathers do not kiss their sons. (They smell their heads instead.)

In fact, up to 10 percent of humanity does not touch lips, according to human ethology pioneer Irenäus Eibl-Eibesfeldt, now head of the Max-Planck-Society Film Archive of Human Ethology in Andechs, Germany, writing in his 1970 book, Love and Hate: The Natural History of Behavior Patterns. Fisher published a similar figure in 1992. Their findings suggest that some 650 million members of the human species have not mastered the art of osculation, the scientific term for kissing; that is more than the population of any nation on earth except for China and India.

Lopsided Love
For those cultures that do kiss, however, osculation conveys additional hidden messages. Psychologist Onur Güntürkün of the Ruhr-University of Bochum in Germany recently surveyed 124 couples kissing in public places in the U.S., Germany and Turkey and found that they tilted their heads to the right twice as often as to the left before their lips touched. Right-handedness cannot explain this tendency, because being right handed is four times more common than is the act of kissing on the right. Instead Güntürkün suspects that right-tilted kissing results from a general preference that develops at the end of gestation and in infancy. This “behavioral asymmetry” is related to the lateralization of brain functions such as speech and spatial awareness.

Nurture may also influence our tendency to tilt to the right. Studies show that as many as 80 percent of mothers, whether right-handed or left-handed, cradle their infants on their left side. Infants cradled, face up, on the left must turn to the right to nurse or nuzzle. As a result, most of us may have learned to associate warmth and security with turning to the right.

Some scientists have proposed that those who tilt their heads to the left when they kiss may be showing less warmth and love than those who tilt to the right. In one theory, tilting right exposes the left cheek, which is controlled by the right, more emotional half of the brain. But a 2006 study by naturalist Julian Greenwood and his colleagues at Stranmillis University College in Belfast, Northern Ireland, counters this notion. The researchers found that 77 percent of 240 undergraduate students leaned right when kissing a doll on the cheek or lips. Tilting to the right with the doll, an impassive act, was nearly as prevalent among subjects as it was among 125 couples observed osculating in Belfast; they tilted right 80 percent of the time. The conclusion: right-kissing probably results from a motor preference, as Güntürkün hypothesized, rather than an emotional one.

Despite all these observations, a kiss continues to resist complete scientific dissection. Close scrutiny of couples has illuminated new complexities woven throughout this simplest and most natural of acts—and the quest to unmask the secrets of passion and love is not likely to end soon. But romance gives up its mysteries grudgingly. And in some ways, we like it like that.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do (on the Web 2.0)

We have all been through a breakup and felt the inevitable pangs of pain, surges of tears and very real mourning period following the end of a relationship. In today’s world, where social networking and social media can be a significant part of many of our lives, old fashioned heartbreak can be compounded by the “internet breakup”.

Breaking up with someone with whom you shared your likes and dislikes, sent xoxo’s and matched compatibility quiz results with on sites such as Facebook, MySpace, and of course the uber-popular Youtube, along with the many other social networks brings forth an entirely new set of issues. For instance, how long does one wait to remove from one’s page the comments, photos, and “gifts” (sent while in the often delusional. blissful cloud of love) that stare back and now haunt you? This person was your No. 1 spot in your top friends for heavens sake! What is one to do?

Once these are removed and the STATUS in the profile changes from any of the oh-so-charming descriptions ranging from “it’s complicated” or “in committed relationship” to “single”, what is the proper etiquette for well wishers and others who will invariably ask how you are coping, what happened and other questions that may be sincere but can burn through the screen like molten lava? What to do with the bevy of comments left to make sure you “keep your chin up”, that they are “thinking of you” and whatever other trite phrase delivered in glitter loitering in cyberspace like floating bullets in a Matrix-like freeze frame. Makes one want to pownce directly into a gaping void.

As in the traditional break up there is always the division of “friends”. The internet makes that division a blatantly public and often childish process. Do they “Defriend you?” Do you “Defriend” them? Who does what and how long until someone takes action? There is always that one first friend that is brave enough to make the friend switch. This person simply enjoys the new friendship more than the original friendship, yet inevitably puts themselves into the center of what may turn into a battle of loyalties, criticism and of course the unbearable insult of being Defriended (they also risk negative posts and g-d knows what from the slighted party). These friends that once felt Linkdin may experience the pain of being blocked, ignored or even… dare I say… spammed.

So as you sit there and ponder the thought “OMG” this could happen to me and your heart goes all a twitter, feeling like drinking a tumblr of whatever is readily available in the house, I ask you, what are the new rules governing this era of internet everything? How should this go down and how can you emerge relatively unscathed from all the added remnants now gathering in the cloud? How does one go from being the couple of Web 2.0 to …Web no.0?”

I hereby offer a few initial suggestions and I am sure I will come up with many more, but I need to know what you, the techlover, thinks. Perhaps together we can come up with some basic framework for keeping our net presence intact as we navigate the treacherous online break up?

Rules of Disengagement for Internet-related break ups



1. Do not post a breakup blog explaining the gory details. Such things should be private, even in today’s voyeuristic world.

2. Removal of ex should be done gradually. i.e. they did not disappear from the face of the earth, just perhaps from your life or more visibly, your vlog. This should be adhered to in order to avoid the inevitable onslaught of queries about your separation. Do it for the other person, if not for yourself.

3. Do not post new pictures of yourself with an ex, a new whatever or overtly salacious images in an attempt to inflict additional pain on your ex (no mater how much you think you hate them).4. It is not recommended posting hourly, self-involved mood updates that will not only indulge the voyeurism of others, but cheapen the anguish you both feel. In a nutshell, don’t twit a twitter.

5. While sending angry emails/IM’s in the wake of your break up, do not digg yourself a hole you cannot climb out of. This means that words on a screen are forever. Permanent. Nothing is ever truly erased from the web. So pick your jabs wisely and don’t stumbleupon your own immature cruelty.

6. Do not badmouth your ex. It is beneath you.

7. Avoid “tracking” your ex’s web activity. This can only lead to obsession and worse, pathos.

8. Do not refer in any way to your suddenly, even remarkable renewed sex drive, virility, or promiscuity. This is so far beneath you as to be found somewhere deep in the Earth’s mantle.

9. Take a break from social media. We all could use one.

10. Eat, drink, be merry and do not let the bad experience disillusion you as to the viability of another Web-based relationship - we all benefit from social media, both platonic-socially, and if we are careful and a bit lucky, we may fall for another techie again, with markedly better results.

Happiness is...

When our fore father's were writing what would become one of the most important and controversial documents framing societal mores so to speak, they obviously believed that "happiness" was an important factor by including;

"Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness," one of the most famous phrases in the U.S. Declaration of Independence, and seen as part of the Bill of Rights, namely, these three aspects are listed among the "inalienable rights" of man.

It seems in this time of political turmoil, an ongoing war in Iraq and the economy stressing out just about everyone, the subject of "happiness" is being discussed and dissected more than ever.

Time magazine devoted an issue to The New Science of Happiness.

The British BBC television kicked off a six part series on the subject this week;

"The series looks at the newest research from around the world to find out what could it be that makes us happy.

We all want to be happy but the problem has always been that you can't measure happiness.

Happiness has always been seen as too vague a concept, as Lord Layard, Professor of Economics at the LSE and author of "Happiness - lessons from a new science" points out.

"There is a problem with the word happiness.

"When you use the word happy, it often has the sort of context of balloons floating up into the sky or something frivolous."

Now scientists say they can actually measure happiness.

Neuro-scientists are measuring pleasure. They suggest that happiness is more than a vague concept or mood; it is real. "

Clearly "happiness", it's meaning and importance differs individually. The following are some fascinating and revealing quotes about the subject from writer's, philosophers and other colorful characters I found worth sharing:

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  I have the true feeling of myself only when I am unbearably unhappy. ~Franz Kafka

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  If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time. ~Edith Wharton

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  Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it. ~Fyodor Dostoevsky

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  This is my "depressed stance." When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this. ~Charlie Brown

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  You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life. ~Camus

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  There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.~Carl Jung .

Obviously there are divergent views of the concept of "happiness." It seems to me that we are so busy worrying about "happiness" and attaining it that perhaps we are missing the point all together. With that said, I want to know what "happiness," the word or idea mean to you? Are you happy? Do you care? Either way, feel free to share your thoughts, I look forward to exploring this further and maybe even learning something about myself in the process. Have a "happy" day.

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