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What is Self Esteem?

I think a lot of us are used to hearing the terms self esteem and self confidence. Are they the same, or are there differences? What do you think about this subject? Can a person have to much self esteem? This article (link on title) comes from a sociology journal. I thought it was pretty interesting.

THE TRUE MEANING OF SELF-ESTEEM
by Robert Reasoner

Educators, parents, business and government leaders agree that we need to develop individuals with healthy or high self-esteem characterized by tolerance and respect for others, individuals who accept responsibility for their actions, have integrity, take pride in their accomplishments, who are self-motivated, willing to take risks, capable of handling criticism, loving and lovable, seek the challenge and stimulation of worthwhile and demanding goals, and take command and control of their lives. In other words, we need to help foster the development of people who have healthy or authentic self-esteem because they trust their own being to be life affirming, constructive, responsible and trustworthy.

Unfortunately, efforts to convey the significance and critical nature of self-esteem have been hampered by misconceptions and confusion over what is meant by the term “self-esteem.” Some have referred to self-esteem as merely “feeling good” or having positive feelings about oneself. Others have gone so far as to equate self-esteem with egotism, arrogance, conceit, narcissism, a sense of superiority, a trait leading to violence. Such characteristics cannot be attributed to authentic, healthy self-esteem, because they are actually defensive reactions to the lack of authentic self-esteem, which is sometimes referred to as “pseudo self-esteem.”

Individuals with defensive or low self-esteem typically focus on trying to prove themselves or impress others. They tend to use others for their own gain. Some act with arrogance and contempt towards others. They generally lack confidence in themselves ,often have doubts about their worth and acceptability, and hence are reluctant to take risks or expose themselves to failure. They frequently blame others for their shortcomings rather than take responsibility for their actions.

A close relationship has been documented between low self-esteem and such problems as violence, alcoholism, drug abuse, eating disorders, school dropouts, teenage pregnancy, suicide, and low academic achievement. However, it has been difficult to isolate it as a primary cause using traditional experimental research methods, for it is usually only one of several contributing factors. What needs to be stressed is that self-esteem is a critical component of any program aimed at self-improvement or any rehabilitation program, for it is one of the few solutions that offers hope to correcting these problems. Many prisons, for example, have now introduced self-esteem programs to reduce recidivism.

One of the difficulties in trying to reach agreement on the nature of self-esteem is due to the fact that it has been approached from several different perspectives. Some have seen it as a psycho dynamic, developmental process; others have approached it from the perspective of the cognitive-behaviorist in terms of various coping strategies; others have viewed it from the position of a social psychologist in terms of attitudes, while others have focused on the experiential dimensions of self-esteem as a humanistic psychologist. Since self-esteem has both psychological and sociological dimensions, this has made it difficult to come up with a comprehensive definition, and rarely have both dimensions been taken into consideration together in conducting research studies.

There is, however, general agreement that the term self-esteem includes cognitive, affective, and behavioral elements. It is cognitive as one consciously thinks about oneself as one considers the discrepancy between ones ideal self, the person one wishes to be, and the perceived self or the realistic appraisal of how one sees oneself. The affective element refers to the feelings or emotions that one has when considering that discrepancy. The behavioral aspects of self-esteem are manifested in such behaviors as assertiveness, resilience, being decisive and respectful of others. Thus, self-esteem is difficult to define because of these multiple dimensions. In addition, although self-esteem is generally stable, it can fluctuate from time to time, a phenomenon which is referred to as global versus situational self-esteem, and which can make measuring or researching self-esteem very difficult.

It is important that the significance of self-esteem not be lost in the confusion over what it means. Nathaniel Branden, Ph.D., a well known psychotherapist, defined self-esteem several years ago as “The disposition to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness.” The National Association for Self-Esteem modified this to define self-esteem as "The experience of being capable of meeting life's challenges and being worthy of happiness." Christopher Mruk, Ph.D., a psychology professor at Bowling Green University, reports in his book Self-Esteem: Research, Theory, and Practice that of all the theories and definitions proposed, this description of self-esteem has best withstood the test of time in terms of accuracy and comprehensiveness.

This concept of self-esteem is founded on the premise that it is strongly connected to a sense of competence and worthiness and the relationship between the two as one lives life. The worthiness component of self-esteem is often misunderstood as simply feeling good about oneself, when it actually is tied to whether or not a person lives up to certain fundamental human values, such as finding meanings that foster human growth and making commitments to them in a way that leads to a sense of integrity and satisfaction. A sense of competence is having the conviction that one is generally capable of producing desired results, having confidence in the efficacy of our mind and our ability to think, as well as to make appropriate choices and decisions. Worthiness might be considered the psychological aspect of self-esteem, while competence might be considered the behavioral or sociological aspect of self-esteem. Self-esteem stems from the experience of living consciously and might be viewed as a person’s overall judgment of himself or herself pertaining to self-competence and self-worth based on reality.

The value of this definition is that it is useful in making the distinction between authentic or healthy self-esteem and pseudo or unhealthy self-esteem. A sense of personal worth without competence is just as limiting as competence without worthiness. A strong sense of worthiness prevents competence from becoming arrogance by keeping the individual focused on basic values, and competence prevents worthiness from becoming narcissism by requiring good feelings to be earned, not given. Thus, behaviors that might be described as egotistic, egocentric, conceited, boasting or bragging, bullying, taking advantage of, or harming others are defensive behaviors indicative of a lack of self-esteem. Such behaviors, therefore, should not be confused with authentic, healthy self-esteem.

Unfortunately, some of the confusion over the term self-esteem has stemmed from programs and strategies used that were not grounded in sound research. Such strategies include heaping children with undeserved praise not based on accomplishment. Most feel that it is critical that any efforts to build self-esteem be grounded in reality. It cannot be attained by merely reciting boosters or affirmations, and one cannot give others authentic self-esteem. To do so is likely to result in an inflated sense of worth. Most feel that a sense of competence is strengthened through realistic and accurate self-appraisal, meaningful accomplishments, overcoming adversities, bouncing back from failures, and adopting such practices such as assuming self-responsibility and maintaining integrity which engender ones sense of competence and self-worth.

Is it possible to have too much self-esteem? We don’t believe that it is possible to have too much true self-esteem, for having high self-esteem is equivalent to having good health. However, it is certainly possible for individuals to have an over-inflated sense of either worth or competence. Our objective is to develop individuals with high self-esteem that is well grounded in reality and balanced between an equal sense of worth and competence-- individuals who exhibit those qualities agreed upon by educators, parents, business and government leaders as essential to effective functioning in these changing times.

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Anonymous said...
How personal can I get on your blog?


The Advice Girl:@Anonymous said...
Ask anything if it is sincere and worded not to offend. We will play it by ear here.

Domestic Drama: On-Again, Off-Again

Domestic Drama: On-Again, Off-Again
What drives couples to repeatedly break up and then make up?

By: Elizabeth Svoboda
For Laura, a 35-year-old corporate recruiter from New York City, dating had always felt like a Ferris wheel ride. When a relationship started to feel wrong, she'd leave to get a new vantage point on things, but as the pain of singleness set in, she retreated to her former partner for comfort, ending up back where she started. She'd repeat the cycle several times before breaking things off permanently. "It became this crazy pattern," she says. "They weren't good guys at all, but whenever something in my life was difficult, I would go back."

Laura's longtime boomeranging habit puts her in good company. The dynamic is quite common. University of Texas communications professor Rene Dailey found that 60 percent of adults have had a romantic relationship and then gotten back together, and that three-quarters of those respondents had been through the breakup, makeup cycle at least twice. But embarking on this bumpy relational road takes an emotional toll: On-off couples have more relational stress than non-cyclical couples, she found.

Given the obvious costs, why do couples keep dancing the on-and-off tango? Many who seesaw from freeze-outs to fervent proclamations of love know deep down that the relationship probably isn't right, says psychologist Steven Stosny. But when couples are faced with the loneliness and low self-esteem that accompany a breakup, they continually fall back on the temporary relief of reconciliation.

It's often the fleeting high points of a fundamentally rocky relationship that convince embattled partners to keep coming back for more, spurring a tortuous dynamic with no end in sight. "Often there is something that works very well for you about this person," says Gail Saltz, a Manhattan-based psychiatrist and author of Becoming Real. But when your mate's dreamy qualities are accompanied by deal-breaker ones like dishonesty or irresponsibility, it can be difficult to make a clear-headed assessment of whether to stay or leave.

While problem behaviors may prompt a periodic hiatus, on-again, off-again couples continue to reunite out of a persistent hope that the moments of happiness and fulfillment they've known will someday constitute the entire relationship. "People say, 'I can fix this other part of my partner,' " Saltz says, even though efforts at "remodeling" a mate are typically useless. The self-deprecating internal monologues serial on-off artists conduct after a breakup—"What was I thinking? I'll never meet someone as funny, smart, and attractive ever again!"—can also lead to repeated reconciliations.

While periodic estrangement is painful, some couples see a silver lining. By experiencing life without their significant others for a while, they come away with a deeper understanding of the value of their bond, even if the romance doesn't always have storybook qualities.

But this kind of "pruning" is no panacea. Virginia psychotherapist Toni Coleman warns couples to steer clear of the false epiphanies making up and breaking up can encourage. After an emotion-filled reunion, it's tempting to assume your partner has permanently changed for the better. But underlying conflicts that simmered before the breakup will resurface—just ask consummate on-off artists Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, who married and divorced twice before breaking up for good. "Things will change only if both people commit to working on the big issues," says Coleman.

Saltz recommends veterans of the breakup, makeup carousel take time to think about why they've been there so long in the first place. "The key is in recognizing that there is a pattern," she says. "You need to elucidate what the draw of this relationship really is for you." Some on-off cyclists, she explains, repeatedly return to partnerships with flaws that mirror those in their own parents' marriage, which they've unconsciously internalized as fundamental to any relationship. If your mother took her cheating partner back over and over again, you may be inclined to do the same. "Just the awareness of that can help you step out: 'Oh, my gosh, this is really me being my mother, and I don't want to recapitulate her love story,' " says Saltz.

Another way to decide whether to fish or cut bait for good, Coleman says, is to take as long a view as possible. By forcing partners to consider the implications of "forever," so-called fast-forwarding scenarios may make them less likely to acquiesce to the temporary high of being "on" again with a problematic mate.

Since casting aside her most recent drama-ridden relationship, Laura has decided to steer clear of the dating world for a while. She sees her new freedom as a chance to step back and contemplate how to avoid the trap in the future. "The whole love industry makes you feel like you have to be in a relationship all the time, but right now I'm just taking some time to figure things out," she says. "I truly am happy on my own." —Elizabeth Svoboda



Breaking the BreakUp Cycle
On-again, off-again couples often find themselves caught between their desire for freedom and their fear of regret. Here's how to decide whether to sign on for the long haul or get out for good.

Adopt a worst-case-scenario mindset. Many perpetual boomerangers keep returning because they assume they can change their partner's worst habits. But that's wishful thinking, psychotherapist Toni Coleman says. "You have to assume that the behaviors you see will get more entrenched and worse over time. Ask yourself, 'If that turns out to be the case, would I still want to be in this relationship?'"
Seek advice from a trusted third party. Therapists fill the bill nicely, but family and friends can be just as helpful. Because they don't have as much invested in your partner as you do, they can provide unbiased opinions as to whether smooth sailing is in your relationship's future.
Take a time-out. In an on-again, off-again pairing, hiatuses are par for the course. But resolve to make this one different. Use the emotional distance to think clearly about what you want from a long-term relationship. Make a list if it helps you organize your thoughts. If your partner doesn't measure up, make the hiatus permanent.

Psychology Today Magazine, Mar/Apr 2008
Last Reviewed 14 May 2008
Article ID: 4561

Psychology Today © Copyright 1991-2008 Sussex Publishers, LLC
115 East 23rd Street, 9th Floor, New York, NY 10010

25 Fascinating Love Facts

25 fascinating love facts
By Laura Schaefer


Love is a many splendored thing…and very surprising thing, too. As if you needed proof of that, here are 25 funny little facts about love. Study them, scratch your head over them, and share them with someone you fancy.

1. Men who kiss their wives in the morning live five years longer than those who don't.
2. The oldest known love song was written 4,000 years ago and comes from an area between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers.
3. When it comes to doing the deed early in the relationship, 78 percent of women would decline an intimate rendezvous if they had not shaved their legs or underarms.
4. Feminist women are more likely than others females to be in a romantic relationship.
5. Two-thirds of people report that they fall in love with someone they’ve known for some time vs. just met.
6.People telling their story of how they fell in love overwhelmingly believe the process is out of their control.
7. *Falling in love can induce a calming effect on the body and mind and raises levels of nerve growth factor for about a year, which helps to restore the nervous system and improves the lover’s memory.
8. Love can also exert the same stress on your body as deep fear. You see the same physiological responses—pupil dilation, sweaty palms, and increased heart rate.
9. Brain scans show that people who view photos of their beloved experience an activation of the caudate—the part of the brain involving cravings.
10. The women of the Tiwi tribe in the South Pacific are married at birth.
11. The “Love Detector” service from Korean cell phone operator KTF uses technology that is supposed to analyze voice patterns to see if a lover is speaking honestly and with affection. Users later receive an analysis of the conversation delivered through text message that breaks down the amount of affection, surprise, concentration and honesty of the other speaker.
12. Eleven percent of women have gone online and done research on a person they were dating or were about to meet, versus seven percent of men.
13. Couples’ personalities converge over time to make partners more and more similar.
14. People are more likely to tilt their heads to the right when kissing instead of the left (65 percent of people go to the right!).
15. The tradition of the diamond engagement ring comes from Archduke Maximillian of Austria who, in the 15th century, gave a diamond ring to his fiancée, Mary of Burgundy.
16. Forty-three percent of women prefer their partners never sign “love” to a card unless they are ready for commitment.
17. People who are newly in love produce decreased levels of the hormone serotonin —as low as levels seen in people with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Perhaps that’s why it’s so easy to feel obsessed when you’re smitten.
18. Philadelphia International Airport finished as the No. 1 best airport for making a love connection, according to a recent survey.
19. According to mathematical theory, we should date a dozen people before choosing a long-term partner; that provides the best chance that you’ll make a love match.
20. A man’s beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.
Verona, the Italian city where Shakespeare’s play Romeo and Juliet took place, receives around 1,000 letters addressed to Juliet every Valentine’s Day.
21. When we get dumped, for a period of time we love the person who rejected us even more, says Dr. Helen Fisher of Rutgers University and author of Why We Love. The brain regions that lit up when we were in a happy union continue to be active.
22. There’s a reason why office romances occur: The single biggest predictor of love is proximity. Familiarity breeds comfort and closeness… and romance.
23. One in five long-term love relationships began with one or both partners being involved with others.
24. OK, this one may not surprise you, but we had to share it: Having a romantic relationship makes both genders happier.
25. The stronger the commitment, the greater the happiness!


Laura Schaefer is the author of Man with Farm Seeks Woman with Tractor.

Co-ed college roommates: What can we learn?

One boy, one girl -- one dorm room.

There is a new phenomena at Universities that has caused much discussion. It is not as though the schools are promoting it or assigning random male female roommates. It is actually a very small number who participate, and yes some are in relationships,which is tagged as "roomcest" on campus the CNN piece points out. I feel like there are certainly interesting lessons that can be learned from such an arrangement early on in adulthood. One young man who has a female roommate shared:

"I had just roomed with a boy. I was under the impression at the time that
girls were a little bit neater and more quiet," Youngdahl said. "As it turns
out, I don't see much of a difference from one sex to the other."

Garcia, 19, admitted: "I'm incredibly messy."

I had to laugh at that exchange because there are many things that young people can learn about gender differences early on that may have a long term effect on their relationships. Both genders would probably demystify a great deal about one another, which in turn could lead to the demise of "Woman are from Mars..." or "Rules" books which could only lead to positive change.

One group is probably far from happy about the new alternatives in college roommates. Parents are of many opinions and I think it will take a long time for it to catch on but some parents are already raising issues as expected.

From the article: "Parents aren't necessarily thrilled with boy-girl housing.
Debbie Feldman's 20-year-old daughter, Samantha, is a sophomore at Oberlin in Ohio and plans to room with her platonic friend Grey Caspro, a straight guy, next year. Feldman said she was shocked when her daughter told her.
"When you have a male and female sharing such close quarters, I think it's somewhat delusional to think there won't be sexual tension," 52-year-old Feldman said. "Maybe this generation feels more comfortable walking around in their underwear. I'm not sure that's a good thing."
Still, Feldman said her daughter is partly in college to learn life lessons, and it's her decision. Samantha said she assured her mom that she thinks of Caspro as a brother.
"I'm really close to him, and I consider him one of my really good friends," she said. "I really trust him. That trust makes it work."

I believe that it depends greatly on the maturity level of the students, and young couples. From an academic view one might look at it as a learning experience in itself. Learning to negotiate with the opposite sex over issues regarding bills, food and lifestyle to name a few, could lead to better overall relationships with co-worker's, friends and intimate partners. I had male roommates on several occasions (completely platonic) and I was a sophomore in college the first time. It was only for a semester and it was unremarkable. He happened to be a bit of a slob but it taught me tolerance for the petty toilet seat issues.

What do you think of this issue? Anyone have anything to share?

Serious relationship questions

1) If my girlfriend has trust issues with me, how do I go about re-assuring her? What's a step in the right direction?

2) How do you know when it's over? A relationship that is? What should I look for?

Nick asked both of these questions and the first thing that struck me was that they are probably not 2 separate concerns, but really one causing the other.

1. If your are asking "if my girlfriend has trust issues?" I hear, my girlfriend has trust issues, and there is probably no doubt about that.

• Before I can answer this question I need to know if the trust issues are due to something that actually happened i.e. you have given her reason not to trust you, cheated or strayed?
• The alternative is that she is a jealous girl by nature and they aren't trust issues but rather insecurities. In this case her issues are not quite rational but pervasive no matter how you try to show her there is no one else.

2. I think it is over when you are no longer into the person. Everyone has a different way of showing it. Some universal signs are:

• A noticeable change in time spent together
• A change in intimacy level or intensity.
• A gut feeling.
• Your relationship has been on and off.
• She has new "friends" she is spending time with.
• You know when it's over when you are not feeling the warm and fuzzies.

These are general questions that we have all faced, please add a comment to help Nick with his relationship queries. The advice girl welcomes all comments and encourages support from readers.

Getting over your ex: tips from Askmen.com

11 Tips For Getting Over Your Ex
By Alex White
Relationship Correspondent - Every other Monday

Some really helpful and realistic advice on helping you move on and the does and don'ts that while difficult, can really make the transition smoother. There are no rules that will work for eveyone but these tips are basic enough to merit a read if you have newly become an ex. Advice girl has been there.